We will not be planting a church.
There are others better-suited to that ministry, we are told, and other ministry better-suited to us.
The week has been grueling, to say the least.
We have strategized, scrutinized, evangelized, and socialized.
I’m not sure I’ve ever felt so strongly and for such a lengthy time the battle of my flesh against the Spirit. The flesh would tempt me to overanalyze situations, compare us to other candidate couples, and worry what others thought of us, and the Spirit would compel me to pray for God’s grace not to do those very things. Then the flesh would tempt me again to overanalyze, compare and worry, and the Spirit would compel me again to pray. The cycle repeated itself over and over and over again. I’m thankful the Spirit was present and unmistakable to me, but the battle was exhausting.
My emotions have run the gamut. I’ve been calm, anxious, excited, inspired, encouraged, discouraged, comfortable, uncomfortable, heartbroken, convicted, disappointed, angry, bitter, and sad (very, very sad).
My sadness stems less, however, from the fact that we weren’t approved, and more, I’m sorry to say, from fear over the opinions of our fellow candidates and the assessors, and supposition over how we might have performed differently. Shuck it to the cob, and I’m overanalyzing, comparing, and worrying.
The reality is, I know things would have turned out differently at the assessment center ONLY if God had intended us to plant a church and gifted us accordingly. His plan for us is different, and that’s not only OK, it’s also very good.
One day, I’ll forgive the perceived injustices of the system. I’ll rejoice in the gifts God has given us and the long-term ministry direction in which those gifts keep or take us. I’ll be able to accept our areas of struggle for what they are, and seek God’s redeeming grace to change us.
But for now my spirit is weary, my heart is wounded, and I’m struggling to see past the heartache of now to hope for the blessings of the future.
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