We will not be planting a church.
There are others better-suited to that ministry, we are told, and other ministry better-suited to us.
The week has been grueling, to say the least.
We have strategized, scrutinized, evangelized, and socialized.
I’m not sure I’ve ever felt so strongly and for such a lengthy time the battle of my flesh against the Spirit. The flesh would tempt me to overanalyze situations, compare us to other candidate couples, and worry what others thought of us, and the Spirit would compel me to pray for God’s grace not to do those very things. Then the flesh would tempt me again to overanalyze, compare and worry, and the Spirit would compel me again to pray. The cycle repeated itself over and over and over again. I’m thankful the Spirit was present and unmistakable to me, but the battle was exhausting.
My emotions have run the gamut. I’ve been calm, anxious, excited, inspired, encouraged, discouraged, comfortable, uncomfortable, heartbroken, convicted, disappointed, angry, bitter, and sad (very, very sad).
My sadness stems less, however, from the fact that we weren’t approved, and more, I’m sorry to say, from fear over the opinions of our fellow candidates and the assessors, and supposition over how we might have performed differently. Shuck it to the cob, and I’m overanalyzing, comparing, and worrying.
The reality is, I know things would have turned out differently at the assessment center ONLY if God had intended us to plant a church and gifted us accordingly. His plan for us is different, and that’s not only OK, it’s also very good.
One day, I’ll forgive the perceived injustices of the system. I’ll rejoice in the gifts God has given us and the long-term ministry direction in which those gifts keep or take us. I’ll be able to accept our areas of struggle for what they are, and seek God’s redeeming grace to change us.
But for now my spirit is weary, my heart is wounded, and I’m struggling to see past the heartache of now to hope for the blessings of the future.
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5 comments:
Sweet Precious Laura,
How touched I was by this last post. Thank you dear kindred spirit for being so open, honest and vulnerable.
Boy, God is always at work. I'll have to talk to you later but for now I'll this. I have recently experienced some of the worst battle between flesh and spirit that I've known for quite a long, long time, also! It is a completely different situation, etc., but the core is the same.
So, though, I hurt for you in the pain you are currently experiencing, I was obviously so deeply encouraged by what you said. To know at this time of great exhaustion and pain for myself, that I am not alone in this spiritual battle with my own ugly flesh. So disheartening.
You are right. So right. God will do and has done what is best even amidst the pain and in the future you will see and rejoice. But now, like me, you are hurting. Take a moment of silence. Just a moment. Close your eyes. And let yourself feel it and know that I am with your in spirit, and even more importantly, God will overcome for you. He will fight for you and remember He understands all the feelings. The sun will shine again. I'll be praying that you continue to hope in the reprieve that IS coming.
You are precious! Thank you so much! You'll never know how you encouraged me tonight!
First, I just want to congratulate you on another post! Good job!
Second, more seriously, I'm sorry that your heart is hurt. I'm glad that God will never let you go and is even now shaping your heart to do his good works.
I'm so glad that you're my friend. Call if you need to rant. Or if you just need to laugh.
BTW, if you just need to serve someone... Tuesday is good if you wanna come clean my house! ;o)
Dear Laura,
God gives us burdens to bear as he shapes and molds us. Overcoming your lifetime nature of competitive spirit to do your best, win the prize, set the standard for achievemnent, do your personal best is the burden God puts before you. He has prepared you and continues to prepare you for His Glory. I see the battle you had last week as one that God had planned for you to show you that defeat in your mind is not necessarily defeat but just another step in your walk with Him. There was no loss last week. There was only enlightment. While your strenght now may be as an Established Ministry team this is a gift in itself. A powerful gift. Use it well. None of us knows where this gift will lead, but for me I feel at Community and our Family we have been given a gift of unmeasureable proportion, solid leadership in our Church and Family. You and Steven are in my daily prayers. Rejoice that God has spoken and confirmed you are both on the right road doing the right work.
I love you.
Mrs. M.
Thank you for your encouragement to me today (11/3). I love you and I'm glad that you are my sister. You did your gift today.
Laura,
I cannot imagine undergoing what you have gone through. Your post, however, touched a cord in my own heart. I feel myself struggling, giving in, fighting, giving up, and, ultimately, going to our Heavenly Father on my knees. Your experience has already brought forth fruit. See, we (readers of your post) needed to know not to give up. You have encouraged me to "fix my eyes on Jesus" instead of myself.
Thanks,
Jennifer
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