Dying to self ...

If everything is lost, thanks be to God
If I must see it go, watch it go,
Watch it fade away, die
Thanks be to God that He is all I have
And if I have Him not, I have nothing at all
Nothing at all, only a farewell to the wind
Farewell to the grey sky
Goodbye, God be with you evening October sky.
If all is lost, thanks be to God,
For He is He, and I, I am only I.

Davy Vanauken kept this poem beside her bed as she lay dying. I was captivated by it the minute I read it. It expresses with subtle solemnity the difficulty of death -- the withering away of life, the resistance to see life go (because, of course, we were created to live eternally), the loss (on so many levels) that comes with dying. And then, as well, acknowledgment by the Believer that God (the Trinity) is all we really have anyway -- the only surety, the only constant. And, hence, the surrender -- the willingness (however feeble) to let go.

The poem captivated me because it seems to me a perfect analogy for the life of Believers -- this dying to self to which we're called as followers of Jesus. What, I ask myself, does dying to self look like for me? Today. In this moment? Here's a short list of the things I came up with.

Dying to self means:

* Trusting the ones in charge.
* Not spending $8 on those brown leggings with the adorable detail on the bottom, because it will be a great encouragement to my husband when we stay in budget for the month.
* Driving 30 minutes to pick up a friend so that my teenage daughter has another opinion on her shopping trip.
* Going to bed earlier (and therefore having less free time for myself) so that I'm a gentler mother to my children.
* Performing support-raising activity with joyful trust, rather than trying to make it happen in my own power.
* Loving a friend, even when she refuses to love me back.
* Being willing to participate in good conflict.
* Spanking my child when she needs it.
* Accepting grace when she needs a spanking and I fail to give it.
* Loving another when I disagree with them.
* Sometimes being willing to say I disagree.
* X-ing out of facebook sooner.
* Forgiving.
* Basking in the giftedness of all my friends (instead of wallowing in my own insecurity).
* Purging those closets and bookcases one more time.
* Kissing whiskers.
* Reaching out.
* Moving on.

He is He, and I, I am only I.

"Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." Matt. 10:39